Drive-Thru confession anybody?

So may I enquire as to what it is about Americans and their need to never leave the safety of their own cars?

What is this obsession with drive-thrus of every variety?

I have now experienced both an off license drive thru, where you drive up to the front door and they placed the beer purchased upon the back seat of the car for you and a drive thru bank, where they cash cheques, make withdrawals and bank your money, int he space of mere moments. There are also , I am told, pharmacy's of this nature. You can drop of your prescription at the window and then pick it up later from the same window, without ever having the need of leaving the comfort of your luxurious SUV or even the need to turn off the car engine.

With the portions they serve, one would think that they would like the occasion to get up and walk off the calories just devoured in a steak the size of a baby.

What is next America?

Drive Thru Confession anybody?

Man enters firmly ensconced in his Durango through the entrance and makes for the correct lane, a menu stands before him. Lit up in lights, to enable sinners to see in the dark and early hours of the morning.

Confession Menu
1: Confession to Murder
2:Confession to Stealing
3: Confession to Adultery
4: Confession to Lustful thoughts

Blessing Menu
1: Blessing for a new Marriage
2: Blessing for a new House
3: Blessing for a new Baby
4: Blessing for a new job

Exorcism Menu
1: Ghost of a relative
2: Ghost of a stranger
3: Poltergeist

"2 4 1 special on Blessings until Easter Sunday and 1/2 price Exorcisms all this week."

The Man regards the menu carefully and finally the speaker next to his window crackles into life.

"Bless you my child. What can we here at the Drive Thru Church of the Working Christians do for you this fair evening?" came the voice peppered with the machines crinkles.

"I would like a number 3 from the Confession's menu and a number 1 from the Blessing's menu, please,"

"Very god sir, please make your way to window number 1 and may god bless you my child,"

The man drives his car and moves to his alloted window. The hole is covered by a dark gauzy material.

"Bless you my child," came the voice as old as 1000 cigars.

"Forgive me father for I have sinned," began he man and confessed his darkest deed that week, and received his blessing for his newly married state and so drove away happy in the knowledge he had done all he could for his soul.

Or maybe Drive Thru Doctors would appeal to the masses.

The menu provided him with a multitude of choices.

"May we help you sir?" Came the disembodied voice from the small box next to his window.

"Yes I am sick and wish for a diagnosis,"

"Please state your symptoms in a slow and clear voice please,"

"Sore Throat, Headache and a Pain in the Abdomen,"

"Is the pain an ache or a stabbing pain?"

"An ache,"

"Thank you. Please proceed to window number 2 where Dr. Langdon will evaluate your symptoms and give you a diagnosis."

The man drove to window 2

"Hello sir, you have a stomach bug it would appear. Please take this prescription to the drive thru pharmacy next door,"

"Thank you, doctor" and the man drove away, happy in the knowledge that he was going to be in health once more.

I mean will this madness ever end?

The Countess

Amish and Tuppleware Treats

So I have spent a few days in the birthplace of the Baroness, a mixture of crazy, warmth and a lick 'o' hick, and I have to say I kinda like it.
There is no pretension and that is a very comfortable thing to live without.
I find that the people here make me reminisce to my informative years, living in North Yorkshire and the great people one finds in the small towns populating the marvelous countryside.

"Ar, got 'tgo down t' valley, get tha sheep and then ah can come up't bar for a wee pint."
There is a general welcome here with about a five minute suspicious undertone, until they decided whether they like you or not. Then when the teasing starts you have been welcomed and are now accepted.

I find being here is a bit like putting on a comfortable sweater, definitely familiar song, but with a different melody playing and the occasional offbeat.

A large population of Amish live in around the Dry Run area, which I find fascinating, never having encountered people who live the way they do. I have been here for a few days but I hve yet to find the sight of one of them in a buggy, just a common occurrence and I may still scream out 'Amish', when I see one riding by, in a very excited school girl manner.

I went into the suburbs of Philadelphia last night.

"I need to buy things I need, I need these things...I bought my husband BBQ tongs,"

This sentence echoed around my head and summed up the entire night for me.
I thought it was a joke and she was being amusing, trying to jokingly excuse the amount of money she was spending on these products.

She wasn't.

She was deadly serious, as my American tour guide, the Baroness, informed me when she saw my amusement at this statement.

I was at a 'Pampered Chef' party, which is a new look on the old 1950s Tupperware parties that America made famous. This old American tradition has never really caught on in the 'Old Blighty' and if you don't even know what a Tupperware party is, it is an Anne Summer's party but instead of a dildo, you can purchase a rolling pin.

At these parties, women perfectly capable of cutting up a pineapple in the traditional way (avec le knife), suddenly lament that they have always had an issue when cutting up their pineapples. In fact, cutting up this pineapple, has become an impossible task. So this pineapple wonder cutter is
"exactly what I have been searching the kitchen appliance world for."
They say to each other as they put down their order for two.
"I might break one"

Ode to the Pineapple Cutter
Oh Pineapple cutter How I love thee let me count the ways. I can't there are too many. I want thee I need thee.

So these women hand over $100+, they will wait in their previously inadequately stocked kitchens, awaiting the arrival of the necessary pineapple cutter and Chilli separator (for when your Chilli is so clogged a spoon or fork just won't do).

I do have a beautiful reminder of this evening spent in American suburbia, a delicious treat of a trivet bought by my American mommy.


Love you mommy!

The Countess

Abused by A duchess wielding chaps!!!

I write in a state of despair people!
I have been abused!
Terribly abused and in a most disturbing and American manner by the Duchess and a pair of her chaps (no my English dears I do not mean two guys, I mean the things you wear over jeans when riding a horse in this country).

The Duchess used me as an English doll and played American dress up, turning me into half a cowgirl, shirt and chaps complete.

See the photo to prove this unfortunate and unnecessary to me (necessary to the Duchess), event.
I can only describe the sparkles, you would have to see to understand.

Also wearing the chaps (that are a lot tighter than one might assume) makes one incredibly aware of ones front bits and back bits (poon and ass to be vulgar about it). And the closeness you feel to the person putting on your first set of chaps is slightly wrong. They get muchly closer than someone your acquainted with, and hasn't seen you naked, should do.
Ever heard of personal space?
Is that supposed to zip all the way up there?

Have also had my first experience of a two wheeled vehicle that entertains a motor.
I have balance issues (ballet class aside) and such childhood greatness as roller skating/blading, ice skating, skateboarding, skiing, snow boarding bypassed me as something i was unable to accomplish or did not even try to bother (the pain would be too intense).

So I was mildly perturbed to be placed onto the back of a dubious looking scooter with the crazy red-headed Baroness at the helm. This hair raising trip was to be followed by a much faster and longer trip with the blond vixen, otherwise known as the Duchess.

Unfortunately for my heart and mother I definitely enjoyed it and am looking forward to driving other vehicles of dubious nature.

Baroness bringeth me my next steed!!!
Mother Pray for me!!!
The Countess

I'm Sorry How Big is the Small Popcorn?

Well I am playing catch up again due to a bout of ridiculous flu I have been experiencing with many uncomfortable side effects. (Duchess and Baroness you have been sworn to secrecy under the vale of the House Of Vera) I contracted this disease from someone on the plane or God smoting me for daring to cross the bible belt with my heathen ideas and ways. Either way I have been far to pleugh! to write anything down.

But after a crazy twelve hour trek from Alabama to Pennsylvania, driven by the Baroness in sheer ninja style, I am now safely ensconced in a land populated with more heathens and the warm bosom of the Baroness' family. This being the only warm thing in this cold, cold place. I am surrounded by coldness and stuffed deer etc. heads and slowly recuperating and planning the next trip, which will be to New Jersey and New York. So look out for the Big Apple Blogs of funness.


Before this illness cut short my Southern fun I did manage to have some shits and giggles. Most importantly I have embraced your left hand driving. My left hand Cherry being taken by the Duchess and the Baroness on a cherry red mustang. The chosen chariot of our fair Duchess on these American Shores. Not only was I out of my depth with the wheel being in the strange place but it was also an automatic. Yet apart from the occasional foot pumping on an imaginary shift pedal and grabbing the door handle in the belief that it was a gear stick, it went pretty well. Pictures (see below) aside (The lying wenches).












I was taken to an American Cinema. though they call them theatres here.
Now The size situation
I had been warned
I had been told
And people had demonstrated the size of popcorn and drink containers
But nothing can prepare one for the sight of someone walking past you with a vat of coke and a barrel (no other word will suffice) of popcorn.
and then there is the choice!
Around 15, yes 15, flavours/colours of popcorn in large pipes waiting for you to choose and devour them in a gastro haze of food villainy.
Such gluttony!
Such choice!
I am unsure if this is good for us but I am definitely getting the hang of America, piece by poundcake.

Stop with the poundcake!!!

The Countess

Biscuits and Scones: The difference

I have been shown the delights of Columbus Auburn, pound cake and the desert section of a supermarket.

"Oh enormous Fantasy Double Chocolate Fudge Cake. You shall be mine to place my entire face into for the bargain price of $19. Come, come to me"

Went to pull on the teats of the cow outside the Columbus Best Buy, which I am told is a rite of passage (see picture of fabulousness) For those out of the know. Best Buy is an electrical store (see I said store, I am totally getting this American speaking) where I purchased my american phone for $1, yup $1. Now that is cheap folks!

Also I have been fortunate enough to have experienced my first Southern family barbecue, with the delightful twice baked potatoes that must go into my repertoire or rather my mother's, for her next barbecue.

If looking at these new pictures of myself and you notice an extra ass cheek, next to the normal left cheek, that is due to eating only two slices of pound cake. The Duchess' grandma's recipe. God bless the women.
and god bless the pound cake and all who sail in it.

Went to the Cracker Barrel, which is not just eating but 'an experience' of the old school kind. Tried American biscuits.

Here may I send out a warning to all English visiting the US.

One cannot dip said 'American Biscuit' in ones tea. (Also, as a side note. One's tea will not be lactated to English standard. You must ask for milk to complete our well known and loved beverage.)

The American biscuit is not Hobnob-like, or Rich Tea-y, or even Bourbon-esque. Tis a meal food, which is why you probably see it advertised with chicken, so do not balk at this strange phenomenon. It rather resembles a scone in looks but no jam, sorry jello or cream does one place upon it's fluffy exterior.

No, instead, you use this delightful buttery food product as the English use bread. Tis a lovely treat in gravy, on the side of a good stew or merely as a side plate to your main steak dinner.

And before you shout in horror about a scone being abused in this manner, I should inform you that it may look like a scone but it does not tasteth like a scone. It is bready in texture and fluffy like bready goodness.

Maybe somewhere betwixt a scone and bread roll.

mmm american deliciousness in bready form.

Try before judging

The Countess

Alabama Funness

Armed with a new pen I shall write for a new day. I am currently staying with the good Duchess Mary Jane of the House of Vera and her family. We are rested delicately betwixt Alabama and Georgia.

I spent New Years Day in Atlanta, Georgia. I was taken to my first Burger Joint called the Vortex and had my first experience of Tater Tots, though they are said 'Tader Tots'. If you on saying them as written much mirth will be flung thy way. But we had a short stop at the fabulous Aunt Connie, a member of the Duchess' family, and she presented myself and the Baroness Frankie with a book entitled 'How to Speak Southern'.

I shall study this book of wondrous new words and try to shock the Southern section by occasionally throwing in a 'local' word.

What people say about the Southern hospitality it all true.
Completely true.
They could not do more for you if they tried. They remind me very much of my Greek family.

1) You must always have a drink within a foot grasp.
2) You must always be full of stomach.
3) You must always feel completely relaxed and at home.

It is a lovely thing to experience but I think if I had not been acquainted with this kind of behaviour from my Greek family I could be overwhlemed.

I think America could spoil me in certain ways. One being that almost everywhere you go to participate in mastication of foodrous delights you must wait to be seated and it's table service. There does not exist the need to send half the family to the counter, while the other half encircle the eating area as vultures.

Three families of vultures appear fluttering at the edges of the area. Let us call them 'The Blue Family', 'The Red Family' and 'The Orange Family'.

The Blue Family have chosen to leave their young to represent them in this fight. This could prove disastrous or fortuitous. Young people are swift, quick and nimble and can nip through the chairs easier than the adults. Yet they may be foolish in their tactics.

The Red Family have picked the mother, a wise choice, still a flickering or youth, she is quick but withthe knowledge of all women through the ages running through her blood (as all women invariably do, once birth has occurred) However the Reds made one mistake and sent Grandma along with a cane to help. Rookie Mistake. She is slow and maneuvering the cane betwixt the tables and chairs that are tightly packed for optimum mass, is incredibly hard. But you should never write her off completely as she does possess one weapon 'guilt of the young'.

The orange family picked mother and young and now look like the front runners.

The vultures eye each other suspiciously. Their eyes flicking occasionally to sweep through the area in case they are witness to the table desertion of another family.

A movement to the left and Blue takes action and the two young move forward; nipping nimbly. Yet in their haste, they do not calculate ahead and fail to see the obstacle of a large pram being placed into their route through the maze of furniture and they leave the path free for Orange to plow through with youth and knowledge on their side.

But Disaster!

The head of the departing family has espied Red stumbling towards them, cane-thwarted. He pauses with his mate at the table.

All action halts

nervously waiting

breath is baited

Then the table smiles at the Reds and the game is won.

Well done the Red team!

Blue and Orange have only seconds to recover and replace themselves into powerful positions before a flicker from the right hand side side reveals a new movement.

And Green and Yellow teams enter the play.

This English past time of seat finding in cafes does not exist in the American equivalent. No rigmarole for them. Only politeness, fairness and ease does great this Americans in their eating experience.

Yet...

Every now and then, a hankering for the challenge and excitement an English eating establishment can provide will sneak in.

A good race always whets the appetite.

The Countess

The First Week

True I was supposed to blog from the beginning of my adventure but illness and no signal have put paid to this marvellous idea, so now I must play catch up.

My first written word upon this American road trip of wondrous new delights is technically about five days into the fun and giggles. The first few days of a new year are among my favourite days and this time more than usual.

A new Country
A new beginning
A feeling that something truly amazing will happen will occurr.

Since landing in DC on the 29th I have been thrust into the madness that is the US.
Everything is bigger and more friendlier.
Everything is in extremes, and the middle of the road where we Brits do like to tread does not seem to exist over here.

My first breakfast was at the iHop where I participated in what is deliciously known as The Sampler Breakfast. That is much meat and tasty eggs, with plentiful pancakes drowned in syrup. Unfortunately I was just overcoming a stomach bug and my poor bland English tastebuds were not prepared for the tasted sensation covered in grease and salt. Somewhere in an offbeat dirt-track I emptied my system of the fat-i-ful breaking of my fast into a plastic bag, which I left as a present for the locals.

I do know apologise profusely to the person or persons who may happen upon said plastic bag full of bile and hope you will not place too strong a curse upon my person.

Most of my time has been in the South.
I have managed to travel through Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia and Alabama.

While in the delightful space that was J & Rs (a place that claims in billboard fashion that it is one of the following three things.)

1: The largest Doll Shop in the world
2: The largest Cigar Shop in the world
3: The largest Cigarette Shop in the world.

Although forgive my englishness, I meant to say 'store' not 'shop'.

I had to decide while in this mecca of Dolls and Cigars what I would be collecting for my time in this country.
I went very British and decided upon the greatness of the Shot Glass, thinking it would be the epitome of class.
That and they were cheap and easy to transport not to mention the fact that I probably would use them rather then keep them behind the glass of some dusty cabinet or allow them to habit multitude of boxes now littering my parents attic.

At the moment I am in Alabama and spent my new years eve among a wealth of Southern Belles and Frat boys. Not people I am used to and the atmosphere was something different.

A girl looks expertly out of the corner of her eye. It flicks down your body. Then flicks just as quick back to her group. You've been dismissed. Found wanting.

I feel that if I danced like the crazy English girl does they would look at me like I had stripped naked and played out the Copacabana on my ass cheeks.

Being a loving daughter, sister and friend I have already written and sent out postcards and so have had my first fabulous experience of an American Post Office, which I found to be almost exactly like our own.

Except that the staff are incredibly friendly.

But apparently no one in the south seems to send things abroad. When asked for stamps to the UK, one post office in North Carolina had no idea what stamps to give us and asked us to go away, look it up on Google and come back and tell them. Another knew what we needed but it took around twenty minutes due to the need to go to into the 'VAULT' , yes, the 'VAULT', to get them. So we bought out their entire stock..
...all 9 of them!

The Countess